I had ballet all my childhood. I used to wear leotards, looking in 7 -foot imposing mirrors, comparing myself to other girls, looking for perfection. But I could always eat.
The ballet was my passion, not my psychological fall. Believe it or not, it is the previous one to the passion of Christ that made me. It’s true, my diet that started a fateful loan about six years ago.
If you are not familiar, Lent is a 40 -day season of fasting, prayer and alms celebrated in Easter heads, or what Christians believe to be the resurrection of Christ. It is customary that Lent observers abandon something to be one with the suffering of Jesus. Often, children are encouraged to abandon candy, some adults choose to give up swears and others choose to abandon their morning coffee.
My first year of high school in 2019, my mother announced that she and my father were going to abandon the “carbohydrates”. It seems pathetic to think about it now, but when I was attracted. Maybe I could lead a healthier life, maybe lose a few books. I did not know what this apparently harmless form of “religious” fasting would trigger.
I quickly limited myself to lunches made up of a few cherry tomatoes, perhaps one or two carrots. Oh, maybe almonds! I was so exhausted and so irritable, but I couldn’t stop. As I reduced myself physically, the world around me too. I started to isolate myself for fear of going out to eat. The only people I really eaten were my parents, so they didn’t get away that something was wrong.
Although I was eating less, my mind was consumed with food. I did not think of God or this so-called sacrifice that I was making. I thought of the food I couldn’t have, I thought of my body, I thought of my sick desire to lose a few additional books. Not for God, not for me. No, this desire was so deeply in me, it was as if it was outside of me.
I felt so alone. So fragile. So tired.
The fact was that this restriction was not in the name of Jesus. I was not trying to be in solidarity with anyone living or dead, certainly no Son of God. It was for me. But after a while, it was outside of me. It was my mind, my illness telling me what to do, what to eat, how much rest, how much I should eat before “apologizing” to get rid of it.
There are limited research concerning a specific link between religious fasts and disorderly food.
However, the Journal of Eating Disorders led a 2022 study Examine “the interconnection of religiosity and sex” on the eating habits of disorders.
“REligible participants who indicated the change in their eating habits for religious purposes underwent greater pressures linked to food and the appearance than theists Who has not pointed out any change in their food and their non -religious respondents, ”concluded the study.
Speaking of experience, this can be a very natural progression of fasting and simple restrictions on long -term dangerous lifestyle changes.
According to the National Association of Food Disorders62.3% of adolescent girls and 28.8% of adolescents say they try to lose weight and 58.6% of girls and 28.2% of boys actively follow a diet.
In my case, it was the dedicated fast and restriction that pushed me to feel the need to lose more and more weight. It was intoxicating. Addictive. Consuming.
But the fact is that, retrospectively, I do not think that I would even classify my characteristic quickly as a religious devotion. Yes, I believe in God and I was raised Catholic. Yes, I respect all the forms of religious fasting and admire the disinterested devotion that religious fasts need. But I think my fast has turned too quickly into a disorder. Something that God couldn’t even help me reconnect.
Nevertheless, it seems that God – or perhaps an organized religion – has planted the mustard seed of my food disorder.
Maybe the endless games of mind are just my cross to wear. The restriction, pancakes and body dysmorphia are my father, son and my Holy Spirit.
At least, I am no longer an impious ghost, a simple shadow of myself, no matter how much the sick part of my brain always aspires to be. I guess you could say that I have resurrected the dead.
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