The other side of this impasse is the connection. For you, your father and stepmother are a family who can love your child, bring history and childhood stories and offer a potentially affectionate and significant generational link. Your husband, on the other hand, given his more distant relationship with his own parents, could have less desire to feed difficult family relationships.
It is normal to navigate remotely with your respective parents – you get closer to yours than with his. But although the distance of family members is sometimes necessary, it generally has large consequences, and what is essential here is that your son will not have had an agency in this decision and therefore these consequences. How will it be for him when, throughout his childhood, he hears about the pleasure that his friends have fun with their grandparents-pajamas, rituals, traditions, holidays, trips, grandparents day at school? Then there is the training effect that it will have on you: to keep your son away from your father and your mother-in-law will most likely lead to their distance, a loss that could be too much for you (and your marriage) to bear.
Keeping your son from his grandparents does not protect or connect, but give him access made both. You can, of course, try to define certain basic rules. If the visits saw in an ideological territory that gives time together, you can tell your father and a mother-in-law something like: “We like to be with you so much and look at you spend time with your grandson. Because we do not agree on politics and we want these visits to be pleasant, we would like to avoid sharing political opinions when we are together.”
They might agree with this; Most people want to avoid conflicts, especially when they visit a little child. But even if they feel the need to say something that you find reprehensible, you can model the values of respect and restraint for your son: “I do not agree. I suppose that we think differently of that.” Then go to another subject.
Remember that parenting does not consist in building a fortress without friction. It is a question of equipping a child to move through a disorderly and contradictory world of reflection, resilience and empathy. And sometimes, the first lesson that could come to watch his parents struggle with their differences with their own parents – with love, kindness and, above all, flexibility.
Do you want to ask the therapist? If you have a question, send an email Askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By subjecting a request, you accept our Reader submission conditions. This column does not replace professional medical advice.