When Kay’s two best friends — a married couple she met at work — told her they wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump in the 2024 presidential election, she believed them. After all, Kay and her friends shared similar values; they all supported issues like reproductive rights and protections for LGBTQ people. But while she was scrolling through social media in July, she saw that they had posted the same image on Instagram: the viral photo of Trump raises his fist in defiance after the assassination attempt, blood streaming down his face, the American flag flying in the background.
Kay, 27, messaged her friends to talk about it. His friends then admitted that they were voting for Trump because they thought he would improve the economy. Kay was shocked: she decided she needed space to reevaluate the relationship and stopped talking to them. “They’re gay,” she said, “but they voted for what they think is best because of the media they consume. »
Over time, the couple began to miss Kay, who declined to share her last name in order to discuss their friendships. It was difficult to avoid them: not only did they all work together, but they were also neighbors. They were the first best friends Kay made as an adult in their small California town. Even though Kay says she excluded other Trump supporters from her life in the past, she ultimately didn’t want to sacrifice that relationship.
“Losing people like that is hard.”
The trio agreed to avoid discussing politics in order to maintain the friendship and they have since reconciled, Kay says. She was willing to overlook what she saw as an ill-advised decision in order to stay close to people she otherwise agreed with. Distancing herself based on their electoral results seemed too painful and too short-sighted, she said.
“When it comes to your family, your close friends or your colleagues, it’s not so easy to cut them off,” says Kay. “You need to think about how this affects you emotionally. Losing people like that is hard.
Over the past eight years, many The Americans have distanced themselves themselves of their support for Trump loved ones. The Harris Poll recently surveyed a representative sample of Americans and found that 42 percent of adults said politics was the main cause estrangement in families. As the holidays approach, 38% of people surveyed in an American Psychological Association survey said they plan to avoiding family members with whom they disagree politically.
The underlying motivation for these distancing appears to be self-protection: many come to believe that a loved one who votes for a candidate who supports policies that endanger their rights – and those of others isn’t it someone worth keeping. Some cannot accept the fact that loved ones they thought they knew agree with such controversial rhetoric. For others, a vote for Trump was the final straw in an already strained relationship.
Although these differences continue – and for good reason – in the wake of the 2024 presidential election, some are taking an alternative approach. In the middle of a epidemic of lonelinesssome may not have the luxury of cutting valuable ties. Others recognize that they cannot change the opinions of their loved ones from a distance. Still others have woken up to the reality that avoiding different points of view only fuels polarization.
While we don’t yet know for sure whether more people are reconciling with their Trump-supporting friends and family, the therapist Chanel Dokon has observed this change in its clients. In 2016, Trump’s victory seemed like a shocking anomaly, one that led people to believe they might be more dismissive of those on the other end of the political spectrum. Now those she advised are forced to engage head-on with these supporters. “It’s not something where I can just distance myself or interrupt people,” she says of customer sentiment, “because now I’m seeing a much higher percentage of the population favor this candidate than I previously thought.”
In his practice, psychologist Vanessa Scaringi finds that many of its clients – primarily women in their 30s and 40s – are more reluctant to move on from their aging loved ones. Young women who were initially disconnected from their loved ones in 2016 might have children now, Scaringi says, and they would like conservative family members to be a part of their lives. “I think in general the feeling of wasting time is a motivator to maintain these relationships,” she says. Sometimes, these loved ones are already an integral part of their lives and even provide childcare, she says.
Mental health professionals emphasize the importance of safety in relationships and encourage people to set boundaries or create distance from loved ones who say hurtful things or engage in upsetting speech. You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who tolerates hatred and bigotry. Thorny moral and ethical questions are at stake here; the choice of who to maintain a relationship with – and under what conditions – is entirely personal. But tolerating discomfort can help build resilience, Scaringi notes, and default distancing avoids this opportunity for growth and healthy conflict.
If you decide to pursue a relationship with someone you disagree with and political discussions arise, avoid the impulse to try to change their mind. The point of conflict is not to resolve a problem, Dokun says, but to have empathy for the other party despite your differences. To help personalize what may be general concepts, Dokun suggests sharing how you or your loved ones have been personally affected – or would be impacted – by specific policies or viewpoints. “When you speak to more vulnerable places, using language that particularly expresses your emotions, it tends to defuse those conversations,” she says. “Family members can also see you in a new light and it’s a much less confrontational space.”
In a group, having a friendly ally with whom you can subtly share sarcastic remarks or roll your eyes also helps relieve tension, says Scaringi. For Bryan, a 29-year-old man who lives in Florida, that family member is his mother, Donna, 64. (Both use pseudonyms when talking about their families.) Their close-knit extended family is largely conservative and over the past eight years, political divisions have strained relations. “Before Trump, I didn’t care who you voted for, it wasn’t a topic in our house,” Donna says. “But since Trump, seeing my two siblings fall in love with this man to the point where my sister says, ‘I love him like an uncle and I would have him at my Thanksgiving table’ hurts my soul, because everything about him is not me.”
Donna and Bryan struggle to reconcile their family’s beliefs with the reality of their experiences: Bryan is trans and his sister hopes to soon have a baby in a state where abortion is virtually banned.
Before Bryan came out in 2022, he worried that his family wouldn’t accept him because of his conservative views. While his aunt and cousins supported him in using his name and pronouns – even going so far as to assure him that they would find a way to get hormones if he couldn’t receive gender-affirming care – Bryan says those same family members are still present. expressing anti-trans views in front of him.
“When you talk to those most vulnerable places, using language that expresses your emotions in particular, it tends to deescalate those conversations.”
Still, Donna and Bryan have no plans to separate from their family – yet. Bryan doesn’t expect those close to him to change their minds, but he thinks offering a trans perspective could give them an opportunity to learn. “I figured,” Bryan says, “that if something happens and my health care is taken away from me, whether it’s because I’m in an Affordable Care Act plan or because the Affordable Care Act stops providing gender-affirming care, and if something that actually happens that is a direct result of Trump’s election, then I would certainly reconsider permanently excluding these people.”
Systematically exposing a loved one to alternative viewpoints can help slowly change their viewpoint, Dokun says, while distancing can only push them further into their ideological silos. However, try not to exhaust yourself defending your side. This might look like setting explicit boundaries, like not watching the news together or limiting the conversation to certain topics. “I work with a lot of people who can blame themselves for not being enough advocates for social justice,” Scaringi says. “I really work with them to try to plant seeds with their families.”
For others, there is no change of heart, just resignation to what has already happened. While a few people close to him voted for Trump, Morgan, 32, a New Jersey resident, who declined to give his last name to discuss his connections, believes they did so for economic and of world politics. He doesn’t agree with those motivations, he says, but it’s worth listening to them.
“Now that it is no longer a fluke, a problem, some sort of national aberration that we can excuse,” he said, “I hope the parties can talk more as the second Trump administration moves forward . Because what is the alternative?