Jeff Nelligan says he has attended about 2,300 of his three sons’ games over 22 years.
When they played on school teams, he wore a jacket and tie or a suit when he watched them.
“I know how hard you work to get better, every hour and every practice,” said Nelligan, who became a renowned commentator on American parentingremembers telling his boys. “These matches are important to you and the wins are huge and the losses hurt. So when I show up well dressed, it’s my way of showing you and your team the respect you deserve.
This gesture, which, he admits, can be interpreted as “a way to go further”, symbolized the qualities he tried to instill in his children: respect, confidence, motivation and self-satisfaction.
“If I’m constantly asking them to behave with confidence and self-respect, shouldn’t I model that? » he writes in his book, Four lessons from my three sons: how to raise resilient children.
A Washington, D.C. public affairs executive and veteran of the Army Reserves, Nelligan has a tough, practical, and self-effacing view of parenting. Its principle is simple: our job is not just about building a relationship with our children. We already have it. It’s to help them build a relationship with the world.
Outside your front door, “you will find all the examples of human behavior and action you will ever need,” Nelligan writes. “Daily life offers events where you encounter the good, the bad and the inspiring of human nature, which you can point out to your children.”
Sports, he implores, play a vital role in our children’s discoveries: what they like and what they don’t like; how they fit in; and how they ultimately behave.
“The presence of athletics in their lives from a young age has been a major factor in their personal development far beyond the playing fields,” said Nelligan, whose sons played at the collegiate level at the university or in club, at USA TODAY Sports.
The start of a new year is often the time when we look for ways to adjust our outlook. Drawing on Nelligan and some of the world figures we can encourage our children to look up to, here are five bold perspectives young sports parents can adopt between now and 2025:
“Have fun”: let your children see you more than hear you during games
Where have you been?
The words came from our ninth grader after a baseball game last fall. My wife and I arrived a few minutes late.
Our son was the starting pitcher that day. It was upsetting for him that we weren’t there, just as it was for his teammate whose mother was giving him batting advice while he was in the on-deck circle.
We have spent so much time and effort find the “best” coaches Or finding the “right” travel or club teams Or teach our children while they play that perhaps we sometimes downplay the importance of our mere presence.
“Leading from the front means always introduce yourself“, writes Nelligan. “If they have an event, so can you. It is essential that you show the flag, even if they don’t run towards you and recognize that you are there.
When our children spot us in a crowd, we instantly connect with them. This is not codependency. Even as an established star, future Hall of Famer Derek Jeter didn’t feel completely comfortable until he found his parents in the crowd.
Your connection is a sign of the commitment you have to each other to experience this sporting journey together.
To get the most out of your child’s sports experience, make it an exercise in self-discovery. Instead of giving instructions, why not sit back, encourage and let your child try to understand the intricacies of the game? This is how they develop their autonomy. We’ll have plenty of time to discuss the game later.
“Dad, have fun,” my oldest son, a middle schooler, likes to say to me when he sees me getting too excited in advance.
Yes, hard losses or times when your child is not playing well can be stressful. But seeing it all unfold and seeing how your child handles it can be one of the true rewards of kids’ sports.
“Just give Louie the ball”: your child doesn’t have to be the star to fully enjoy the benefits of sport
The hoarse cries – Just give the ball to Louie! — could be heard in the tense moments of Braden Nelligan’s travel lacrosse games. They came from Marc Dubick, the head coach.
“Louie” was Dubick’s son.
We’ve all seen that, haven’t we? Just another coach favoring his kid?
Nelligan and his sons discussed the situation on the way home and even imitated the coach’s words. But they all realized that Louie, who later played at Marylandgave the team its best chance to score during the critical period.
“In any situation, you have to know how you fit into it all, how you can contribute to the overall effort,” Nelligan told his boys. “You have to be self-aware and that means when you’re on the court and you’re losing, you have to work to get the ball to Louie.”
The words have become a family metaphor for determining your role in life situations, whether it be school, sports, or other social events.
Sometimes we push children into sports or other activities with unrealistic expectations. Nelligan suggests instead allowing them to determine their role for themselves.
“They intuitively knew how comfortable or uncomfortable they felt,” he says of his sons when he left them alone.
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“It’s the end of the world”: your child will learn much more from defeat than from victory
On New Year’s Day, Texas faced 4th-et-13 and the end of his season.
Arizona State led 31-24 in overtime of the Peach Bowl College Football Playoff quarterfinal. Everyone, it seemed, especially the fiery Sun Devils and their fans, felt the Longhorns were made.
Then Quinn Ewers found Matthew Golden on a quick strike in the end zone. The 28-yard touchdown pass was a game-changer. Texas won 39-31 in two overtimes.
It was the kind of surprising – not to mention bizarre – play that seems to happen much more often at youth sporting events. We’ve all been part of it, and the consequences of such moments can be excruciating.
Even Arizona State coach Kenny Dillingham had to push some of his players onto the field immediately after the stunning loss to Texas.
“Yeah, you lost the game,” Dillingham said afterward. “That doesn’t mean you should just leave. Like you’re shaking hands. This is what you do. That’s sportsmanship.
It’s a constant theme Nelligan repeats at home: Those moments of loss, more than moments of victory, can make your children resilient. They are uncomfortable and necessary.
While between jobs and explaining the situation to his sons, Nelligan told them, “Yeah, it’s the end of the world.”
He spoke calmly, almost mockingly, acknowledging his situation while deflating it.
“Nothing is ever as bad as it seems,” he writes in his book. “Everyone goes through tough times and there are only three choices: lie to yourself, feel sorry for yourself or move on.”
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“For God’s Sake, I Don’t Want a Heel”: Try Using Humor Instead of a Sermon
“It’s the end of the world,” became a phrase, like many others, that Nelligan’s sons repeated to find lightness in the face of problems.
They became the family’s light-hearted way to share their observations of everything that was happening around them.
“If you don’t bag, you don’t mow,” the boys said as they watched their father meticulously bag the cut grass while mowing the yard. These words offered the lesson that one must follow through.
“For God’s sake, I don’t want the heel,” was the exasperated tone of a customer addressed to a butcher who was cutting a salami for him. This meant that humor could be found in any situation, a particularly poignant message in sport.
“Humor is the determining factor in reaching a child,” Nelligan writes. “Humor always triumphs. No child responds to lessons, but children react to a gag, a line, a joke.
How many times have you tried to offer wisdom with serious words before or during a big game? Looking for a lighter touch, Nelligan once picked up a loose stick during halftime of one of Devlin’s lacrosse games.
“I’m going to warm up Wheeler,” he told Braden.
The absurd idea of a middle-aged man wearing a suit to warm up the college goalie caused his middle son to scream, and the phrase, like the others, became a family staple.
“Lead by example”: our basic behavior requires no skills
When Former President Jimmy Carter died last week at age 100James Martin, a Catholic priest and editor of America magazine, recounted how his nephew contacted living presidents five years ago.
His nephew sought advice on how to continue his public service. Only Carter answered.
“Be tenacious in keeping your commitments,” Carter wrote, “whether to others or to yourself.”
It’s a valuable sports lesson. We sometimes find ourselves in a team where we perhaps don’t like everyone, nor the coach, but, as Nelligan sayswe strive to get along with everyone to ensure the overall success of the unit. It takes effort.
However, more basic conduct requires none: washing your uniform after every game, tucking in your jersey while you play, looking a coach in the eyes when you shake his hand.
Nelligan ensured that his three sons, who later served in the military (two from the Naval Academy and West Point and one from Williams College), lived by these principles. But him too.
“Watching them on the field, on a basketball court, on a wrestling mat or (in) a swimming pool brought a fundamental joy,” he writes in his book. “All I had to do was show up – how hard was that?”
KoiKoi, his youngest son and a West Point graduate, received a waiver from Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin to play with Old Glory DC of Major League Rugby,
You will find his father at the games. But he won’t wear his suit.
“I wore a jacket, tie and khakis to his rugby games at West Point, but once he was with Old Glory, I figured I didn’t have any more examples to set,” said Nelligan told USA TODAY Sports. “Being in the pros, he was now setting an example for me.”
Steve Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer for USA TODAY since 1999. He spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ baseball and basketball teams. He and his wife, Colleen, are now sports parents to a high school student and a middle school student. His column is published every week. For his past columns, click here.
Do you have a question for Coach Steve that you want answered in a column? Send him an email to sborelli@usatoday.com