This item originally published November 26, 2024.
Last year I saw Larry and Sue at my father’s funeral.
My parents had been friends with them for decades. Their children were some of my best friends growing up. It had been 20 years since we last saw each other.
When I saw the couple at the funeral, I introduced my wife to them and told her the story of their past kindness:
I was about 13 and needed glasses. My parents couldn’t afford an eye exam or glasses. Larry and Sue were visiting town and somehow they recognized the need. Without fanfare, they gave my parents money to equip me with glasses.
As I told my wife this story, Larry and Sue both began to cry.
“I had forgotten everything,” Larry said. “I can’t believe you remember.”
Gratitude costs nothing and means the world.
A 2023 investigation found that the average American adult says “thank you” six times a day, or about 2,200 times a year. These little courtesies are good practice.
Gratitude, however, is deeper than just the thank you note you give to the barista or mailman. The researchers have find this gratitude is linked to better health, higher productivity, and stronger connections with others.
Another story about gratitude: Several years ago, I met Dr. De Hicks, a friend who has been studying and writing about leadership for decades. In one research projecthe studied high-performing leaders who had maintained their success for many years. He then compared these leaders to another group of leaders who were successful and then burned out.
The group of high-performing leaders practiced gratitude daily (81% of them), usually as part of their morning routine.
There were other points of comparison, but this idea intrigued me. “How do we practice gratitude? » I asked myself. Then I remembered something my mother taught me: the old-fashioned handwritten note.
So I set a goal to send 100 thank you notes over the next year.
Writing two notes a week is hard work. I had to turn on an internal radar to identify things I could express gratitude for. Sometimes it was a little weird.
Over time, I have learned that gratitude breeds. I sent 100 notes as planned. About half the people I wrote to responded and thanked me for thanking them. Practicing gratitude has brought happiness to both of us.
A few years ago, researchers Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley decided to measure the impact of thank-you letters on the sender or recipient. Researchers discovered three things they published in 2018.
First, sending a thank you note makes the sender happy. People in the study reported a more positive mood after writing a letter.
Second, the researchers asked senders to predict how their recipients would feel if they received an unexpected letter. Next, the researchers checked with the recipients. The positivity they felt exceeded expectations.
Third, not only did people who wrote letters underestimate how happy the recipient would feel, but they also overestimated whether the recipient would feel embarrassed about receiving a letter. This asymmetry often makes you hesitate before writing a thank you note, which is unfortunate because a thank you message improves your outlook on life, whether you send it or receive it.
Americans have just experienced chaotic national elections. In politics, outrage is the currency of the kingdom. Outrage drives turnout and votes. It excites people. This is why both political parties have predicted a national catastrophe if the other side wins.
Gratitude, on the other hand, says: “Look what I have been given: my family, my home, my health, etc. It’s a blessing. Let me appreciate the people who have helped me along my journey. And let me use what I have to help someone else.
Perhaps gratitude can be an antidote to outrage.