Since the day I was brought to my new home by the Richland County Dog Warden, I have been watching my man, Jake.
It’s a big man who sits in my room (he calls it his “office” but in reality it’s my space) and makes strange tapping noises on a small screen. All day and sometimes all night it clicks, clicks, clicks. But when he’s not there, we find ourselves on the couch (shh, don’t tell my other hooman, the long-haired, really nice-smelling cutie named Sam. She doesn’t like me there- high), and we watch sports.
We also attend one or two Ohio State Buckeyes games. It’s a lot more fun unless they’re playing a Northern team, wherever that is.
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On Sunday, these days are generally sad, we watch the Brownsand I hear a familiar language of bork, bork coming from the speakers. Some days we watch the Cavaliers. Well, he looks, I just want to chase this bouncing ball. In the summer we usually hang out on the porch swing and listen to Tom Hamilton describe the Guardians game. I would love to watch this match. This sounds like so much fun. Damn, Bally Sports.
But I sit and watch with my man, Jake, and he always seems to be heartbroken and sad after our favorite teams lose or after a season ends in disappointment. So, as Christmas approached, I decided to tie a big horn above my head like my movie idol Max in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (he’s my hero), ride on my sledding, trying my paws at that faucet, touching, tapping on something (hey, it’s really easy) and delivering my own gifts.
Here we go:
First stop, 76 Lou Groza Boulevard, Berea
James Winston: A job at Target. This seems to be the only target he could hit with a soccer ball. Let’s hope there are no defenders in front. 12 interceptions in 12 games? What the hell is this?
Myles Garrett: A no-block double team match. Poor guy has more people than me in a dog park full of butt sniffers.
David Njoku: All the dog treats (yes, hoomans, I know what that means) in the world. You are my man’s favorite player and mine too. Go canes!
Jerry Jeudy: The motivation with which he played in Denver. If he could play like that every game, he would have rushed for 2,000 yards by now. He moves faster than me chasing my tail.
Nick Chubb: A good back scratcher. Coming back from a knee injury and now breaking his paw, Chubb needs a healthy offseason so my man can wear his jersey again. If I could kick your foot, I would.
Kevin Stefanski: One more year. My man seems to think you’re the right man for the job, but after this disappointing season, I’m going to give you another chance.
Jimmy Haslam: A leash attached outside. I’ve never seen you on TV, but my man tells me everything you’ve done. Maybe you need to spend time outside so the smart people inside can make decisions. Plus, it will help you get used to the cold since you want to build an indoor doghouse for the Browns to play. Melm.
Jérémie Owusu-Koramoah: A healthy recovery. My man was very upset when you were kicked off the field. I miss your dancing celebrations. They gave me the zoom lenses.
Deshaun Watson: Your own dog park, alone. Somewhere not in Cleveland.
Next stop, Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse
Donovan Mitchell: A procedure at the veterinarian. People keep saying he has that guy in him. I want this dog to go outside so I can have someone to play tug of war with.
Jarrett Allen: A little shampoo for the head and shoulders. Her hair resembles that of my fluffy girlfriend, Benzi. Plus, I like the way he sends the ball through the hoop. It’s a fun piece.
Garland of Darius: Your very own Cavs dog collar. Everyone wants you traded, but I think the Cavs can win it all with you at point guard. I hope you stay.
Evan Mobley: One of those super delicious treats. I haven’t seen a more improved player in the NBA.
Kenny Atkinson: That big shiny doggie toy they give out at the end of every season. I would love to chase that ball to the top. Ball? Ball? Constantly in the running for the best record in the NBA.
Last stop, corner of Carnegie and Ontario
José Ramirez: A seat on the couch with the decision-makers. After the Guardians traded his best friend, Andrés Giménez, and made him sad, he should be allowed to sit on the couch when such things are discussed. After all, he is the face of the franchise.
Stéphane Vogt: One of my man’s famous good boys rubs his face. You did such a good job last season that you deserve an atta boy.
Emmanuel Clasé: One of those big statues outside Progressive Field. The way you threw the ball last season makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to find it again. Maybe you have that guy in you like Donovan. Do better against the Yankees next year.
Shane Bieber: A thank you card for giving the Guards a one year discount so you can come back and show what you can still do.
Josh Naylor: A page from Bieber’s playbook. My man says Guardians is cheap so I don’t see you coming back after next season. I will miss your fluffy hair.
Other gifts
Cade Stover: A Christmas touch. I’ll be watching Netflix on Christmas Day with my hooman, and we’ll have your back.
jfurr@gannett.com
740-244-9934
X: @JakeFurr11