Dear Eric: I have a friend with whom I have been friends for about 10 years. We both share views on the left. In the past, we have shared many dinners discussing the inequalities of our country and other political subjects. My friend constantly deplores how unfair our society is and is super empathetic for the fate of disadvantaged, which I understand.
My friend has two houses paid, retired early and sits on tons of money. She could actually do something with her own money to physically and financially help them, but she doesn’t. She is constantly on this soap box and I can no longer bear it.
I know that confrontation to what I see is his own hypocrisy will not go well. The last time we had one of these conversations, it made me super comfortable. I asked her why she told me so much and for what purpose it was used because we cannot solve the problems of the world. She said that “you have good ideas, you may have a solution.” Well, I have a good idea, and it is for her to sell her second house and finance college scholarships, pay for drug / alcohol rehabilitation for those who wish, to provide accommodation, Used cars, daycare centers and other things to those in need. She could change dozens of lives alone.
I expect my solution to pass like a ton of bricks, but I am tired of hearing about her anxiety when she really has the ability to do a very good in this world instead of talking about it. Please notify.
– Make more beautiful
Dear do gooder: I do not see why you cannot offer the suggestions you have listed here. If you are afraid of presenting yourself as too dogmatic, supervise them as suggestions or even find charities or non-profit organizations you want to support and ask if it will join you.
If you expect your solution to pass like a ton of bricks, you have nothing to lose. And, who knows, one of these bricks could lay the foundations for more benefits.
Dear Eric: My husband has a block, mentally, where he cannot buy flowers. I think he is deliberately incompetent. It is not as if he had been beaten with a bouquet or forced to eat them when he was a child. I tried to negotiate with him to go back since I bought mine and I prefer to choose my own bouquets. But he wants / defends the work of buying them as well as the privilege of making me remember, which is so incredibly passive-aggressive.
He wants power. It is crazy to try to control the flowers.
I don’t have time for him making sounds of the mouth about “wanting” not to be smart enough to understand the flowers in our small town. He seems determined to control the flowers in our house (he has no allergies) while I hope in vain for him to decide to buy a poppy.
I suspect that he wants an audience for the purchase of flowers because he literally bought me flowers less than 10 times in 30 years.
– Flower without power
Dear flower: Please do like the character of Virginia Woolf Mme Dalloway and buy the flowers yourself, no matter what your husband says. He can’t tell you when and how you get flowers. And you don’t have to engage in the back and forth on this subject. You can even establish a regular collection or delivery of your favorite florist, a great way to support a small business and get around your antics.
His behavior is control and concern. And it is worth asking what it really is, because it seems that things have gone.
Your husband may think that it is deprived of the opportunity to give you a loving gesture when you buy the flowers yourself, but if he cannot accept that you have autonomy and your taste and, I presume, Enough vases for several bouquets, so there is a more important problem here. If he just wanted to want to buy them, it is one thing (problematic but repairable). But restraint is something else. Why is it hell to deprive yourself of joy?
Your husband should not try to control everything you do. It is important to have a serious conversation during which you are linking a border on the flowers and everything behind them. But I also encourage you to examine other areas of your marriage and your family life and also to assess them to control behavior. Even if this is isolated, it will be useful to speak to a friend or a loved one about what’s going on, to obtain a view and external support, if necessary.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to eric@askinderic.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter to Rercthomas.com.)