I want to cut my mother-in-law out of our lives. His lifestyle offends me.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My mother-in-law spent my husband’s inheritance when my father-in-law died. She retired when he died at the age of 53. Today, she lives off her disability, off her social security, off her social security, and she lives lavishly. She buys 40 Stanley cups and orders every meal at the restaurant. She constantly complains about the unfairness of her life. I want to cut ties with her because we’re struggling to pay for our lives with a child and six-figure student debt. Her lifestyle just makes me despise her. Is his lifestyle reason enough for me to resent him? Does she “owe” us anything? Should I just grow up and move on so she can have a relationship with her granddaughter?

—Resentful daughter-in-law

Dear resentful daughter-in-law,

Your husband’s inheritance? Let’s start there. Unless your late father-in-law specifically left money to your husband in his will or trust and his mother took it and spent it, it was not his inheritance. It was his.

Nowhere in your letter do you express sympathy or empathy for what your mother-in-law experienced. She was widowed young, finished raising her family, and decided to focus on that rather than continuing to work. What does it really mean to “live richly”? How much do you really know about his finances? Typically, you will not receive Social Security disability income or regular Social Security, and she will not receive her or her late husband’s Social Security. You have to choose.

I suspect she is living just at or above her means thanks to her late husband’s Social Security and perhaps some disability insurance she had. It’s not a lavish lifestyle, no matter how many Stanley Cups you buy. I wonder if she can pay off her credit card debt and what’s left of her mortgage every month. Probably not. She complains about her life because it is difficult to be a widow, to raise a single-parent family without endless resources and to be disabled. I doubt this is the life she imagined she would live.

Now, let’s talk about you. No, your mother-in-law owes you nothing but respect. She doesn’t even have to like you, but if she wants to have a relationship with her son, you and her grandchild, she has to be civil and kind. You need to be courteous, kind and a little more empathetic in return. She certainly doesn’t owe you anything financially. And yes, I suggest you grow up enough to recognize that you and your husband are responsible for paying for your own life.

So, decide that you are going to take charge of your finances. If you have a huge amount of student loans, make a plan to pay them off. Take a second job or find a way to cut back on your expenses. Stop wallowing in your resentment. If you change your attitude and decide to move in a different direction, you will likely find that everything in your life improves.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I think it’s time to quit my job. I am a 30 year old woman who has suffered from an autoimmune disease for three to four years. I have a diagnosis, but the many treatments I have tried don’t help much and I have a lot of unresolved and unexplained problems in addition to my main diagnosis. The pain and fatigue are debilitating. I stopped working full time about two years ago and was recently asked to come back full time or leave. Fortunately, I am already approved for our company’s long-term disability policy and will receive a (small portion) of my old salary when I leave. This insurance policy made up for part of my missing salary and should continue to pay me when I stop working.

But that seems like a crazy choice in 2024. I loved my job. I traveled for work. I had special skills and qualifications. It was a little more than a “answer a few emails and go to a Zoom meeting” desk job. But everything came naturally to me and I was very good at what I did. I can’t take it anymore. Or do a lot of things. I’m too tired and in too much pain right now. I hope that one day I will find the right medication and get some semblance of myself back. I would like to return to school and/or possibly return to work in another position. But I’m afraid of what the job market will look like in the next two, five or ten years. And my disability policy will keep my salary pretty stable. I should live a normal life with my illness and I can no longer imagine what the next 45+ years will be like.

Am I doing the right thing? (As if I have a choice at this point?) Am I blowing my financial and professional future? Do you have any advice for a situation like mine? I have seen a counselor and am basically on board with the idea of ​​stopping. It’s everything that comes after that that worries me.

—Discouraged by disability

Dear Intimidated by Disability,

I’m sorry your illness has been so devastating. As you’re about to make a decision that will have life-changing consequences (and perhaps throughout your career), you also decide to prioritize your health. Without it, you have nothing.

So while you mourn the incredible, resourceful, productive, briefcase-carrying, airport-hopping person, remember that focusing on your health East the right thing to do. I think you cling to your work because in this strange new world you now inhabit, it feels familiar. You were good at that. And I think it’s a part of yourself that you really love. You will get there again. Let go of the idea that the job market won’t support you when you feel better. There is always room somewhere for people who are smart, innovative, creative and willing to work hard.

But you are not there today, mentally or physically. Be grateful to your employer for supporting you on your journey to better health and offer to help in any way you can in the future. Maybe they’ll be interested in part-time consulting work. Maybe not. Regardless, be courteous on your way out and stay in touch with people you can list as references or contact about subsequent job offers.

None of us can predict the future. But whatever shape your journey takes from here, it starts with taking back control of your health. Take care and let me know how it goes.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m worried about my friend’s gambling habits. Over the past year, he’s really fallen down the betting rabbit hole. He mainly bets on various sports. At first, it all seemed pretty harmless. But now he talks about it every week and constantly places new bets. I don’t know exactly how much money he spends on it, but it must be more than several hundred. He works in a retail store! It’s not like he has a lot of extra money to spend. A few of the other guys in our friend group agree that it’s worrying. But we just don’t know how to approach the subject. It’s his money after all, but we like to take care of each other. Is there a way to politely intervene?

—Bet on it

Dear bet on it,

Next time he brings up his latest bet, try this: “Hey, buddy. Bob, Larry and I are wondering what’s going on with all these bets you’re making. What’s going on?

So, listen. Try to find out if he places the odd bet here or there but is immersed in sports statistics (which would explain why he talks about it all the time) or if he actually bets the hundreds of dollars you suspect. I didn’t do it. Does he brag about his victory or does he seem upset about the losses? Is he defensive about it? All of these could be red flags that his bets are truly out of control.

According to Mayo Clinicchasing losses to get back into a tie is often a sign of a gambling addiction. Gambling while “feeling distressed, helpless, guilty, anxious or depressed” is also worrisome. If you jeopardize or lose an important relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling, you’re probably overwhelmed, too. So listen if he’s struggling in other areas of his life as well and be there for him as much as you can.

If your friend recognizes that he has a problem and is willing to admit it, or even says that he has gone too far from time to time, you might suggest that he contact the National Problem Gambling Helpline (1-800-GAMBLER), operated by the National Council on Problem Gambling. It operates call, text and chat services 24/7/365 and serves as a one-stop hub connecting people seeking help with a gambling problem to local resources. This network includes 28 contact centers that cover all 50 US states and territories. You are a good friend to take care of. I hope he recognizes this and if he needs it he gets help.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

My boss calls me Elaine. My name is Eileen. He doesn’t realize it himself, but whenever I or anyone else corrects him, he quickly apologizes and makes things right… until the next time we speak.